I remember my thought processes when I was an orthodox believer. The stench of judgement still burns fresh in my nostrils. When someone would leave the “church” my thoughts automatically turn to the idea that he or she must be sinning. They didn’t pray or read their scriptures enough. Such a shame they didn’t try harder to strengthen their testimony. Or my favorite: assuming their adversity or unhappiness is a causation of their inactivity.
I have sat in ward councils and been a part of countless presidency meetings. I know how this works. It is so ingrained that you don’t even know it’s happening. Judgement and religion go hand in hand. You can’t have one without the other. It is now so apparent to me the irony in it all. A system that tells you not to judge, all the while conditioning you on how to do it perfectly.
Don’t get me wrong, I have met plenty of Mormons and have a lot of Mormon friends that are actually pretty cool. But Mormonism as a whole is contrived on the idea of uniformity. In order to be “in” you have to believe every single thing that is professed. The minute you don’t, you are a threat to the community and your credibility is questionable. Particularly if you were ever in any type of leadership position.
I remember the feeling I had when I realized that for the majority of my life, my mind had been controlled by an outside source. It was like my world had tilted on its axis. In the moment of this acknowledgement I instantly was able to see more clearly. When I looked at people I knew, I saw them differently. No longer pin pointing faults. When I looked at my children there was a deeper, more pure love and acceptance than before. No pressure to have them be a certain way. The pressure that I had placed on myself as a Mormon Mom was completely gone. And let me tell you, that pressure is extremely heavy. My burden is much lighter now. My love is more unconditional. My experiences are more real. Since leaving the religion, I have felt more like a true Christian than I ever did as a believer.
Do not misunderstand my intent with this blog. It is not to debate religion in any way. I had many wonderful experiences while I was a believer. I do not wish to discount those. This is simply my experience in the search for MY truth.
Faith Adrift 